The Secret Diary of Aragorn
by Hobbit-eyes
Summary: Aragorn looks as though he's in control throughout the adventure... but what was really going on inside his head?
1. Chapter 1

Yes, I finally caved and wrote another secret diary… I hope you all like it as much as 'The Secret Diary of the One Ring'. Please do review.

**The Secret Diary of Aragorn**

ENTRY 1

Was just wandering around near Bree when I met Gandalf. Apparently, there's a friend of his called Baggins heading this way with his mates and the Ring of Power.

And there was me thinking that life in the wilderness was getting boring.

ENTRY 2

Hanging around in the Prancing Pony, waiting for these people to show up. While the ale is very good, I'd better lay off a bit. What sort of first impression would I make if I was drunk?

Wonder if this Baggins fellow likes ale? Haven't had a drinking buddy since Halbarad went off on holiday.

ENTRY 3

Some carpet-footed midgets just came in. They are acting as though they're hiding something. In fact, I'd think they were the people I was waiting for if it weren't for their lack of height.

I mean, there's no way Gandalf would give the Ring of Power to someone who couldn't even look over a wall to see if Ringwraiths were coming.

ENTRY 4

One of the furry-footed midgets just threw a Ring into the air and vanished. And his name's Baggins.

I need another drink.

ENTRY 5

Well, managed to meet up with Baggins. Apparently he's a hobbit. And apparently Gandalf didn't tell him about me. That was awkward.

And apparently his little mates are very defensive.

Kinda sweet, really.

ENTRY 6

Ringwraiths came in the night and slashed up all the hobbits's pillows. After I'd done such a nice job of hiding them under the blankets so that the Ringwraiths wouldn't steal them.

And who had to pay for them? The hobbits seem to be assuming that just because I'm their guide they can mooch off me.

ENTRY 7

On the way to Rivendell. When I find out who taught the hobbits all these walking songs…

ENTRY 8

Still walking. Overheard the hobbits talking about me behind my back. Feeling very unappreciated. Here I am, guiding them towards safety, through many perils, _voluntarily_, and have they said thank you? No, they haven't. Not once.

ENTRY 9

Weathertop. Must get some elves round here to redecorate. The crumbling ancient ruin look just isn't _in_ this season.

Decided to leave the hobbits alone for a while. Ha! Let them see how they'd cope without me!

Of course, I won't leave them for long. I'll just be sitting round the other side of the hill. So should anything happen, I'll hear the hobbits shouting for me.

ENTRY 10

Which they would. I mean, they wouldn't try and take on Ringwraiths themselves. They're not completely idiotic.

… On second thoughts, I'll go and check on them in a minute. Once I've finished writing my name in the air with this flaming branch.

ENTRY 11

I don't believe this. I really don't believe this.

I leave the hobbits alone for five minutes – FIVE MINUTES – and what do they do?

Not only do they light a fire. Not only does that fire attract the Ringwraiths. Not only do the Ringwraiths attack. Not only does Frodo put the Ring on. Not only does Frodo get himself stabbed by a Morgul blade. Not only do they need me to come and sort them out, complete inadequate fighting wusses that they are.

But they don't even save me any bacon.

Some people.

Considering becoming king just so that I can get my revenge, by holding a banquet and not giving THEM any bacon. See how THEY like it.

But managed to fight off all the Ringwraiths. I rock. So much.

Wouldn't know it from all the appreciation I received…

ENTRY 12

Hobbits are expecting ME to heal Frodo. Catch me admitting that my medical knowledge is next to none. Mum always told me if in doubt, use athelas. Sadly there seems to be very little around.

Suppose I ought to get him to Rivendell. Good Ringbearers are hard to find these days.

Now which way is it? Uhh…

ENTRY 13

Checked my 'Evil Weapons and their Ailments' handbook. Apparently the Morgul blade means that Frodo will turn into a Ringwraith.

Tempted to delay. Would he be less annoying as a wraith?

ENTRY 14

Caught Frodo staring at my coat. Am worried he's considering stealing it. You know, to look more wraithy.

Pressing on with all speed.

ENTRY 15

Finally! Found some athelas! I can look like I know what I'm doing!

ENTRY 16

Oh great. Guess who came along, looking all professional?

Let's see. Would I prefer to have the love of my life turning up when I'm looking extremely cool and fighting off hundreds of orcs, or when I'm ever so slightly grimy, escorting four midgets to her house, one of which is turning into a wraith, and trying to be leader-like?

Golly, I think I'd have to take the hobbits.

So now Arwen has taken charge. Thank Eru. Girls are so much better at this sort of thing than men.

Wait. Where's she going??

ENTRY 17

According to the remaining hobbits, she's taken Frodo to Rivendell.

Well, go her. Someone to blame instead of me if it all goes wrong.

ENTRY 18

Arrived at Rivendell. Everyone was saying, "Wow, how brilliant Arwen is! She got Frodo across the Ford and saved him from the Ringwraiths! She saved Middle-earth! Huzzah! Huzzah!"

Um, hello? Who was playing babysitter for these hobbits all the way from Bree? Arwen wouldn't have coped five minutes! So she took Frodo paddling. La-dee-dah.

Being the only man in an elvish community sucks. Going out for an ale with the hobbits. They understand.

ENTRY 19

Frodo recovering. How come he gets to sleep in Arwen's bed and I don't??

ENTRY 21

Met some weirdo from Gondor called Boromir. Made a very good first impression, I must say. He stared at the painting of Isildur and Sauron as though it was the lay of Beren and Luthien written in the Black Speech, then dropped Narsil on the floor. Oh yes, he seemed lovely.

Then Arwen came. I think we had some sort of important talk about our relationship, but can't remember too much of it because she kissed me afterwards. Score!

ENTRY 22

Just found Arwen's Evenstar in my pocket. Have a horrible feeling I know what that talk was about now.

ENTRY 23

Gandalf tells me that Boromir's the son of the Steward in Gondor. So if I'm king, he'd be my second-in-command.

Am considering a dictatorship.

ENTRY 22

Council of Elrond. Got insulted by Boromir. Then got defended by some random elf. Didn't quite know what to do, but then the elf sitting next to me told me his name was Legolas. So could pretend that I knew him too.

Must do some research about this Legolas. He's acting as though I'm his best friend, but I don't think I've ever seen him before in my life.

Anyway, I'd decided before the council began that if the Ring was destroyed, I'd go with whoever was carrying it.

That was before Frodo volunteered to take it. I had to rethink. But eventually decided, what the hell? I ought to go down to Gondor anyway, to see whether it's worth ruling. Besides, Gandalf's going. It's not like I'll have to be in charge, or anything.

Had to rethink again when I was closely followed by Legolas, who said, "Greetings, mellon nin!" when he came over - who the hell is he?!?!? He was in turn closely followed by some dwarf, Boromir, and the hobbits. Yes. ALL THREE OF THEM.

So on this quest, I'm going to be accompanied by someone who I don't recognize but acts as though we're life-long friends, a dwarf, git from Gondor and three midgets who don't seem to know which way round you hold a sword.

Why don't we just give the Ring to Sauron now and save us the journey?


	2. Chapter 2

Hope you all had a nice Christmas! As a late present, here's the next chapter.

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN

ENTRY 23

Trying to remember if I know Legolas. Apparently he's the prince of Mirkwood,

but I don't remember ever-

Wait. When I was younger, I went out on a miruvor drinking binge with Elladan

and Elrohir. I don't remember anything about that night, but I woke up in the

wilderness east of the Misty Mountains, with a quiver of arrows inscribed

'MIRKWOOD ROX.'

Oh hell. What did I do???

ENTRY 24

Off with the Fellowship. The Fellowship of the Ring. Cool name. Has a nice ring

to it.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

ENTRY 25

Legolas still acting as though we've known each other for years. He keeps saying

stuff like, "Hey, remember when you stole my father's bow and arrows?" and, "You

know, Nalaithwen is still asking about you…"

If Arwen hears about this, I'm doomed.

ENTRY 26

Crebain from Dunland flew overhead. So now we're going through the pass of

Caradhras instead.

Whatever.

ENTRY 27

Boromir such a jerk. Stealing hobbit jewellery. Almost had to go kingly on him.

ENTRY 28

Blizzards flew overhead. So now we're going through the mines of Moria instead.

Whatever.

ENTRY 29

Got to the Mines of Moria. Found that no-one had cleaned up in there for a long,

long time. Dwarf very upset for some reason.

Also got attacked by some massive squid thing. Well, to be more accurate, Frodo

was attacked by some massive squid thing. Had to save him. Again. Legolas

practically LEAPT on top of me when I managed to get back into the Mines.

Getting disturbed.

And now we're going through the Mines of Moria. Don't see why everyone's so

fussed about this. Wasn't it what we were going to do anyway?

ENTRY 30

Dust in Moria playing havoc with my allergies. Had to steal one of Legolas's

spare shirts to use as a hanky.

ENTRY 31

Legolas discovered missing shirt. I told him it was the dwarf.

ENTRY 32

Dwarf all upset because some relation of his was dead. What, he didn't deduce

that from all the other dead dwarves in here? Oh yes, all the others got killed,

but this ONE DWARF survived. About as likely as Legolas's hair becoming messy.

Got attacked by orcs. Stabby stabby stabby!

Frodo got stabbed by cave troll. Yeesh, how did this hobbit survive before I

came along?

ENTRY 33

Apparently Frodo's anguished wails woke up a Balrog.

Am starting to hate this hobbit.

ENTRY 34

As we were fleeing, I noticed Gandalf looking slightly fatigued. "Lead them on,

Aragorn," he said, "The bridge is near."

Um, hello? WHO DOES HE THINK HE'S KIDDING???? If anyone could get us lost, it's

me! Why can't Legolas be put in charge? It might stop him from reminiscing about

my apparent exploits in Mirkwood for a few minutes!!

ENTRY 35

Managed to escape from a plummeting staircase at the last minute. Go me! I told

Elrohir that all my games of Wobble-Stair would pay off!

Legolas caught me. This must be the second time or something that he's saved my

life. Still can't remember who the hell he is.

Anyway, we escaped! We rock! Maybe this leadership lark is easier than it looks!

ENTRY 36

Gandalf fell.

Well, shit.

ENTRY 37

Indeed shit. Now I'm in charge! What do I do??

ENTRY 38

Some pretty looking woods in the distance. Pretty woods are good, right?

ENTRY 39

They seem good so far. Just strolling along through the trees, wind rustling

through the leaves, elven voice whispering in my head… no-one about for mi

AAAARGH!!

ENTRY 40

Sorry. Elves popped out of nowhere. Luckily recognized the foremost one off the

cover of Cosmo Elf ('TOP 10 SEXY SENTRIES'. It was Arwen's magazine. Really.)

and remembered a little elvish from growing up in Rivendell, so was able to

persuade them to take us to their city.

Which is good, right?

ENTRY 41

Got shoved to the front by the Fellowship as their 'leader'. Cheers, guys.

According to Galadriel, our quest is doomed, and we'll almost definitely fail.

Well, thanks for the note of confidence.

ENTRY 42

Galadriel keeps smiling at me. Have this unnerving suspicion I've seen her

before… speaking of unnerving, STILL CAN'T REMEMBER A BLASTED THING ABOUT

MIRKWOOD.

ENTRY 43

Just remembered. Galadriel is Arwen's grandmother.

Oh heck. Should I have brought flowers?!?!

ENTRY 44

Leaving Lothlorien today. Had a chat with Boromir last night. Man, that guy's

freaky. If all the men in Gondor are like him, may reconsider ruling there.

ENTRY 45

I can't believe this! Galadriel could one day by my grandmother-in-law, and I'm

leading an expedition to save the world… But she doesn't give me a present?

I mean, she gave everyone a present except me! Well, except Boromir, but can't

really blame her. The guy's weird.

But seriously, she couldn't even give me some complimentary shampoo or

something? I know those elves keep a lot of it!

Sailing off down the river. If the hobbits don't stop singing, I may kill them.

ENTRY 46

Argonath. Slightly embarrassing, to be honest. Most families just have portraits

of their relatives, and what do I have? Ooh, that'd have to be gigantic statues

acting threateningly towards anyone who comes sailing innocently down the river.

ENTRY 47

Was busy preparing to cross the river when I looked up and suddenly noticed that

Legolas was standing right next to me. Made me jump. He started telling me about

how we needed to go.

Well, I was already feeling pretty insecure about being leader. So I decided to

assert myself, and be firm in my decision. We were staying, I said.

Then Merry had to come and point out that Frodo was missing.

Great. Where has that bloody carpet-footed midget got to?

ENTRY 48

Found Frodo. He basically freaked out and ran away. Boy, did I feel like a

trusted leader.

Finally found out the reason he'd been so freaked is that Boromir jumped him to

try and get the Ring.

I'd be freaked out if Boromir just jumped me, let alone if he did so to try and

rule the world. Could hardly blame the little midget.

Then suddenly heard the Ring talking to me. It was nice to have attention paid

to ME for once… then it called me Elessar. I knew it. It just wanted me for my

royalty.

Couldn't handle the evil of the Ring. So sent Frodo off on his own to deal with

it by himself.

Starting to think it may not have been a good idea…

Crud! Orcs!

ENTRY 49

Apparently not orcs. Apparently some kind of soopa-doopa-new-improved orc,

called uruk-hai.

Stilll, can't complain. Stabby stabby stabby!

ENTRY 50

Legolas just came and saved me. Again. I hope he's not expecting me to risk my

life to save his in return. I still can't remember a single thing about

Mirkwood, for Eru's sake.

ENTRY 51

Boromir got shot with loads of arrows. That damn well pissed me off – with Merry

and Pippin captured, Frodo gone, and now with Boromir dead, I look the most

incompetent in the group!! How will I look cool now???

After killing some Uruk-hai leader – would not die for ages, for some irritating

reason – managed to get over to say goodbye to Boromir. Normally I'd want to

yell at him for scaring Frodo, but a) you can hardly stay mad at someone

resembling a pincushion and b) Frodo's been bugging me lately anyway. So said

goodbye.

"I would have followed you, my brother," said Boromir. Did he think I was

Faramir? Weird guy. Also seemed to assume that I was king already. Nice to be

believed in for once, but hello, I haven't even started picking out crowns yet.

Then Legolas and Gimli turned up. Could have used their help when I was trying

to kill El Immorto Orco, but better late than never.

ENTRY 52

Just realized. Merry and Pippin captured – Frodo and Sam gone off on their own –

Gandalf dead – Boromir dead – I'M ALONE WITH THE ELF AND THE DWARF.

NOOOOO!!!! Must get Merry and Pippin back!

xxx

Tarock – Thanks! Like my friends need an excuse to watch Aragorn's face…

Tsuki Yume – Thanks! It's more fun to think up what a Ring is thinking than a Ranger, anyway…

Rhinoa Katherine Silvermoon – There have been several studies into where it comes from. Some say it comes from soooomewheeere oveeeer the Raaainboooow. Some say it comes from all the muffins I eat. I personally like to believe it comes from the mind of a magnificently purple rabbit, who simply uses me as its vessel.

LadySmith – Thanks! I don't like stealing other people's ideas. I was worried people would think it was too much like them.

Preciousss – Thanks! Secret diaries are cool.

Bev Baudelaire – I know… (wince) I've gone back and changed that.

Person – I would continue just for you… but I have no idea who you are. Oh well.

D.sist – Thanks! I can always do without smart alec-y things. I get enough from my dad.

Reasonably Crazy – Har har! Fear me! I will always strike again! Until I get bored of striking, at which point I will start kicking feebly! BWAHAHAH!

Lindahoyland – I just thought "Wait a minute… he's this great healer… and all he uses is athelas?? That's like a doctor only using paracetemol!"

Orli-lover-is-me – Thanks! I will!

Im a Brandybuck – I feel sorry for Aragorn. Poor guy. No credit. Stoopid Arwen.

Morgaine of the Fairies – I will if I have time, but I'm cutting down on the fanfictions I write. Stoopid sixth form. I might be leaving at some point… probably when my main stories are finished.

Eowyn Skywalker – Thanks! I think Aragorn would make a cool dictator. He'd be cool at anything he did. Apart from maybe having a teddy bears picnic. No-one's cool when doing that.

Fallenangel26 – Thanks, and again, I'm going back to edit it. Poor tea! (quickly sets up silent vigil for the poor tea)

NiennaVala – Thanks very much!


End file.
